4.28.2006 should've been 60 candles

I've survived what should've been my father's 60th birthday without any emotional melt downs. I really wanted to try to take the day off work but my kids had their mid-terms.

It's a good thing. I was fantastically busy all day. After work I was invited to go over to my tutor kids' house early to watch Astro boy after I told them I haven't seen it since I was 6. It comes on right before I tutor them. So we watched Astro Boy in Chinese and they translated for me.

I spent a few hours at Eslite (24 hour book store) picking up some materials for a big secret project I'm working on for my family, since I can't make it to the reunion this summer.

When I got home Meg had a present in the form of a photography subject that she couldn't even talk about without squealing in terror. I was told to "look under the pink bag near the kitchen". It wasn't as bad as what I thought it would be. I should've known because of what a big wimp she is.

She stood behind me while I photographed it jumping if I made the slightest move and squealing with an umbrella pointed in my direction so I wouldn't try and throw it on her. This was brought on by me chasing her around the apartment with it. I screamed a few times just to make her freak out. I really need to set up a video camera secretly setup sometime.

I took 88 pictures. 32 of which I'm in love with but I'd like to slim it down to 15 or so before I post. They should be up in a couple of days :)

Thanks to those of you who keep up with me and have your ears open when I need them. "Even so far away I can still feel you".

Labels: bereavement

4.25.2006 six months and one day today.

Wherever you are, whoever you are. Tell your father you love him. As much as possible. A child's love should be unconditional, as much as a parent's.

Labels: bereavement

3.07.2006 confessions & fears

disclaimer: as the site is named - this is me, this is raw. this is not a cry for help. this is not an exposé or finger pointing session. this is not for attention. these are things I need to say but can't say. this place is my voice. no one is forced to come and read it or see it. this is my therapy, this is my outlet. public, yes but mine.

I chewed on a piece of glass tonight, not on purpose. It was in my food.

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and it makes me feel stupid.

I'm afraid I'm wasting time.

No place really feels like home anymore. There's something missing from any considerable place. I didn't know that one person could mean home.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to make a big life changing decision with confidence ever again because the "last vote" is now gone.

I'm afraid I'm addicted to chaos and I won't/wouldn't know what to do with normality if it ever found me.

I'm afraid to start things that I think I'll be horrible at, or that people will see I'm horrible at.

I feel like a big phony sometimes calling my pictures photographs since most of the best ones were by accident.

I feel smothered under the weight of peoples' expectations of me.

Sometimes I really believe that I don't deserve my friends.

I act tougher than I am.

I wear a plastic face in public so I don't have to see my hurt mirrored in other peoples' faces.

I feel guilty about grieving, and I feel guilty about not grieving.

Some of the "courage" people think I have, tell me I have, has just been me blindly running into a decision with my eyes and ears closed too afraid to look behind.

My self-value and self-worth were all based on what my father thought of me and I'm not sure I buy all of it anymore or where my value actually lies.

I'm angry with him that he was in too much fear and denial to give me one private hour alone when he was feeling well to talk seriously with me.

I'm angry and disappointed with misdirected sympathies and blind eyes.

I'm angry with things people know and pretend they don't, and things people don't know and pretend they do.

I want people to know the truth about everything that happened in my father's last months that has caused me so much anger I haven't grieved, or been able to but I don't want to be the one to tell it.

I'm angry by the questions people don't ask.

I'm afraid that people don't really understand or care that the most devastating thing that could ever happen to me in my whole entire life happened to me in 2005.

I'm afraid no one will ever understand me again with as much depth, and/or that people who don't will think that they do.

I'm afraid I don't even understand myself as much as he did.

I have abandonment issues and they're not unfounded.

I feel like he's abandoned me.

I don't trust people.

I have insomnia.

this is for cleansing. it is not a cry for help. Guess the glass thing was just an icebreaker.

Labels: bereavement

1.31.2006 Xinhai and some healing time

Well I'm not doing very well at sticking to my goal of getting to bed at a reasonable hour and waking up at a reasonable hour. From what mom says I've been a night owl since I was a baby. I guess I should stop fighting nature.

I was somewhat "productive" today. I got my butt out of the house and did some exploring without any accomplices.

In Taipei I live on the brown or Muzha line of the MRT (subway system). It's one of two lines that has above ground portions except Muzha line is completely above ground. I literally go from one end of this line to the other every day for work. One of the stops is Xinhai. Passing Xinhai makes me love being on the brown line.

I'm speaking with very little knowledge and I wish Han was here to fill in the blanks for me... but it seems to be Asian custom for the remains of the deceased to be put in tombs high high up in the hills. I say "Asian" because I've noted this in Korean movies too. So any high hills, no matter where in the city they are, are covered with these really beautiful ornate tombs. I've really wanted to do some photography of Xinhai but was worried that it may be "rude" culturally. Han told me it'd be fine when I asked.



So to Xinhai I went. I've never gotten off at this stop so I don't know the area. The tombs are all very visible from the MRT stop but the MRT stop is up really high. I didn't have success getting the shots I wanted but while I was roaming around trying to find a non-intrusive way to get up the hills (most ways seem to go through people's backyards or these tight tight spaces where people had their property or laundry... I avoided trying since I have 0 Mandarin).... anyway I kind of gave up but decided to explore Xinhai a bit more to see if I could find anything interesting or to see if I could find some vantage point to get a good shot of the tombs on the hill. While walking I found this set of beautiful stone steps (obviously meant for the public) going steeply up this mountain/hill.



Once I got high enough up I found a tomb :)



Unfortunately because I got a late start and because it took me awhile to find one I don't think I'll be happy with the results (I took film).

I decided to keep going and see how far the path would take me. I could see the mass tombs in the distance but not from anywhere I could take a clear shot. So I kept walking and discovered plots for future tombs amidst the bamboo trees. After I let go concentrating on trying to find a good shot I realized just how beautiful my surroundings were.

I couldn't hear the city (aside from the random firecracker going off), I couldn't smell the city... it smelt like forest but not a forest smell I'm used to..... and I could hear bugs and birds. I found a really nice place to sit, and I just sat.

(weird setup near where I settled... must be a rest area for the workers digging the graves. The ground was very soft under the chairs... like freshly dug ground)

It was a really good hike up the mountain, something dad would've really have loved. Everything around me made me think of him. He was supposed to be coming over this week to stay for a month if everything hadn't have happened. I wonder if I would've thought to try to take him to Xinhai and if we would've discovered the same place?



I don't think if I was home I'd be visiting my father's grave excessively. Dad always kind of turned his nose up at that and thought it was silly... but there was some comfort for me being near these well kept tombs in a place that dad would've loved to have been exploring too. The culture and customs here are very focused on the deceased and more specifically deceased ancestors.... there's some kind of comfort in being in a society that places value on that.



Anyway back to the forest. I think it healed me a little. There's a term called "data smog", google it. The idea is that we stimulate ourselves so much (with tv, music, cellphones, computers, etc) that we can't think anymore. I think this has been another form of intoxicating myself... I do it on purpose. I can't even fall asleep without some movie or tv show running on my computer in the background.... but up there, aside from the camera around my neck... that's all there was. Sitting on the soft ground, bamboo trees all around, mosquitos eating me... it was magic. It brought me back to when I was younger.... I looked around thinking about dad showing me how to tell what leaf came from what tree, what the animal tracks were, how to tell what direction you were facing based on moss and the sun.... it opened my eyes and I started discovering funny little things.

Weird spider webs......



strange tree knots..........



perfectly naturally positioned vines on trees............



My eyes were open again. I could've sat there forever... but stupid mosquitos and an urge to see if I could find another path lead me off.





I get how one of dad's dreams was to become a hermit way deep in the forest some day :) I got it at that moment.... I got it when I saw Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter and Spring last night......

I think I got some neat shots. I'll reference this post when I get them developed and post them.

update: 02/06/06 got the pictures developed...didn't even realize I was shooting black & white. How goth!

Labels: bereavement, Photography, taipei, taiwan, Taiwan day trips

1.28.2006 oops - I'm a'ight, honest

First off, I'm really really behind on responding to e-mails. Sorry!

Sorry for any concern I caused with that last post. It seems only 2 or 3 people understood.

In short, I can't verbally express myself very well. I don't like to either. Even with the people I'm most close to and who I know will understand the intent of what I'm saying or where I'm coming from.

I find when I try to pour my heart out verbally about something I have to get off my chest I spend so much time responding to the responses of what I'm saying that I loose focus on what I'm actually trying to say. I become so frustrated and flustered that I usually don't get out my points or I just give up.

There's a quote I've always loved: "Seek first to understand and then to be understood. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand: They listen with the intent to reply"

In being able to write things out in a place that's *my place*, a place that people only come to if they choose to, only read if they choose to... I'm finding a freedom and voice that I've very rarely had before. Because of this I'm not censoring myself very much. I'm writing things that I probably wouldn't say because I don't like making people uncomfortable. But again, this is my place... so it feels different.

Once I write these things out I'm usually able to turn the page. It feels like a cleansing. I've solidified how I'm feeling in writing, I've acknowledged it, and from there I can let it go or work on improving it.

Ok that said, I am SOOOOOOOOO behind on responding to e-mails and I'm very sorry. I will have no excuse this week for not getting back to people since I have a week to do whatever I want with.

Labels: bereavement, relationships

1.25.2006 3 months and a bit = paranoia and a dash of grief

I'm sorry dear readers but this is another downer post. I need to vent.

It's a bit past a day after the 3rd month of my dad's passing.... this one is a bit difficult on many levels.
This month has marked some extreme change for me. I'm more social than I've ever been in my entire life.... which is definitely good but it has put my identity in question, I have a boy in my life now, and I'm at a level of independence never experienced in my entire life.

But paranoia and a bit of pain sinks in......... the paranoia......as few of you may know when I received news of my father's fate I was in Taiwan...... when I received news that he'd pass and that I needed to go home ASAP I was about 2 days away from a vacation to Thailand.

Now I'm back in Taiwan, working, and heading towards Chinese New Year and I'm a week and a bit away from a vacation to Thailand. I wish I could say I'm dancing around my room in joy at my upcoming vacation but I'm feeling uneasy and suspicious. What will happen this time?

Last time I was days away from Thailand I about to receive the most tragic news of my life.

I'd give anything... and I mean anything... to erase the trauma of the past 3 years. Daddies..... realize, once your a dad... your life isn't just yours, no matter the conflict between you and your "baby's mama", or you and your baby....... you're welded to that life. As much as you'd like to think after ### amount of screwing up you don't influence that life anymore... you do. It's unbreakable.... it's not warranted but the love between a girl and her dad goes to a depth beyond anything you read about in a book or see on the tv.

I know that isn't the case in every father/daughter relationship but it takes a whole lot more work to break that bond than it does to create it. Nothing can easily cancel it out. I'm one of the few lucky lives to have had such a strong bond with a father that I doubt i'll ever have a love in my life that'll understand or accept me as much as he did. I'm not sure if having the type of love I had from my father was a blessing or a curse. It's set some incredibly high standards.

I truly lost my biggest fan and my foundation. I truly lost an extension of myself or visa vera. It's not perverse. Leave if you think that, I don't need you here.

I never realized how much my father's enthusiasm caused enthusiasm about my own life. Now I find myself questioning why? I truly have lost interest.... lost interest in myself, in all this. I feel bored. I feel boring. I know I'm living quite exceptionally but I'm in a rut. It took so much work to get myself to Taiwan and I always thought it would feel like such an incredible accomplishment but it really doesn't. That's a little disappointing. There's really next to nothing that makes me excited about the future. I feel a bit jaded wondering "why?". I wish I could get excited about whatever is coming next but I just dread all the paths I have to walk alone without my dad.

He constantly made me push my own limits.... his "wows", his "ooooos" and "ahhhhhs", his endless questions and interest in whatever I was doing...it can't be replaced. Everything I did with him in mind, everything I did hoping to make him proud. He made me proud of me, he made me excited about my own life.

It's strange... but Han (my man) has opened me to feeling again. I've never denied how numb I've been since the summer of 2005 or how I've distanced myself from my emotions but I never thought that feeling, just plainly feeling.... would open to me everything else. I've been standing on top of a mountain looking down at all my emotions belown and now I'm skydiving towards them. All the positive,exciting,loving feelings I've felt towards Han have opened up the flood gates. Now I'm having to deal with everything. All the grief, the anger, the reality is slapping me in the face with no forgiveness.

What I would give to be able to erase the past 3 years and live in that time in an infinite loop. I hate that the past 3 years, especially when they're the last of my father's life have to be filled with so much pain and disappointment. Out of respect I'm gagged and bound from going into that much detail............ but let's just say you should never judge anyone.

We have no clue what the day to day of anyone is. We have no idea what people have to go home to and to answer to once they leave the sphere that we consider our world, our reality. We all act, we all put on a facade of some sort, we all pretend we live normal lives, with normal families, with normal disfunctions..... it's cute, it's edgy, we admire each other's strength, but God forbid you have some pain that can't be wisked away by playful banter or by spending sprees or that isn't parodied by everyone's favourite nighttime dramas.

I don't know where it comes from but I think a lot of us get off on thinking we have everyone in our day to day figured out, but the truth is we know nothing. If you think you know what anyone of what your fellow 9 - 5ers go home to at the end of the day ........ you're disillusioned, or maybe just hypnotized by what you're fed by the tv.

My point is that we should never judge.... We just don't know. We all need to get down off our high horses, be patient, accepting and kind. We don't know each other's true fears, phobias, traumas, or abuse suffered... we all hide it. We take little responsiblity about how much impact what we say or do fhas on each other, how much damage we can do. What scars we can cause.

When did kindness loose it's esteem? When did being patient, forgiving, and kind become so uncool? Why do we have to let "cool" people and emotional vampires stop us from being there for each other?

The amount of people who have wronged me beyond all forgiveness occupy less than half the fingers on one hand... and that would be after constant attempts I have had to cement something with them... but then again who's to say that's not my own disfunction? I'm not self-righteous. I'm so far from perfect its laughable.... but I hope my opinions and thoughts count for something.

I don't want life to be predictable but I wish I could have some sort of foundation again..... I know I'm probably years or less away from my sister's passing, my sweet angel.... and then what? I wish I could be more graceful accepting all that's been put on my plate but I've already had to deal with a hell of a lot for a 25 year old and I'm pretty annoyed by it.... and really tired. I never asked to be put into these shoes. I wouldn't be less grateful for what I have achieved without all this pain and complication...... so why me?

I believe my point has been made. I'm annoyed. frustrated. feel like swearing, screaming and kicking things..... feel like tearing big bloody chunks out of the people who have wronged me, wronged me in these horrible times without so much as an acknowledgment.

I'm ok, really. I have some things to iron out but I'll be using my camera again soon as a voice. I hope I still have all those ears out there to listen.

I love you all for the support, I love you all for checking in on me. Please forgive me if I'm too raw or abrasive. I really need to embrace it and voice it when I have the guts to.

Dad, surprisingly, always encouraged that. He always wanted me to have a voice and to use it, even if he didn't always agree with it or agree with the style of how I used it. That's what made him such a great friend.

I can't say there are a whole lot of people who know Catherine but I have to say there are a whole lot of people who try and I really adore you.

Thank you for listening.

Labels: bereavement

12.23.2005 time persists and nakedness.

Today is the 2 month mark of my dad's passing and I'm feeling really raw about it. This is probably one of the worst nights yet. It has nothing to do with Christmas, the holidays, or any of that fluff. It's just time.

Before I was terrified of loosing time. Not of aging. I just hated seeing time go by. I've always felt I have so much to do, so much I want to accomplish. So many places to go. So little time. Now time kind of feels like an enemy. I think of all of it that I have left. I think of how many days I have to face ahead without my best friend and my biggest fan. Without the one person in the world who has always understood me best and unconditionally loved me.

When I had anxiety about my future through my father's last months I was constantly reminded about how young I am. How much time I have. How whatever is happening right now won't affect my future for long. But that's just it. I do have time. Too much time. It pisses me off.

Not that I'm anything like suicidal or want to die or anything remotely close to it. I have a lot of things left to do and I'll do them. I still have all the love in the world, it'll just never be the same. I just don't get why this?

I've suffered a lot of criticism, including criticism from loved ones about the pedestal my father had me on and how detrimental it is and would be to me as an adult, as an independent female. My ability to be self-sufficient has been called into question and my ability to fend for myself.

You know what? I'm living my life the way I want to live it. I'm doing exactly what I want to do. I've sacrificed a lot to get myself where I am right now and basically I've made it to where I want to be.

I may have been spoiled. I may have been a princess. Maybe I could do no wrong. but I am here and I am a strong.

If none of this had happened in 5 weeks time he'd be coming on a plane to come visit me. I wish I could live through that experience at least. Him experiencing my strange little world. His endless questions and amazement. 20 rolls of film taken in 2 weeks. Constant "wows" and astonished laughter. I just want one last dialogue with him. I just want that one last heart to heart that we never got to have because he thought I was the last person in the world who needed it.

He will never be replaced.

Labels: bereavement

9.18.2005 The whole world can change in just one night

A horrible turn of events has brought me home to Canada for awhile.

My dad; my best friend, my hero, my rock, my anchor and inspiration has been diagnosed with terminal cancer of the pancreas, liver and lung.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has kept in contact and who have been sending me lots of love and support. I'm sorry to those of you who I haven't had the opportunity to write back yet. My ability to communicate and form thoughts has been really sporadic and seems to only be getting worse as time wears on.

My PowerBook & camera have been saving my sanity since I've been home and providing me with an escape so there should be some fresh stuff up soon along with the overdue updates of my Taiwan pics. Plus it looks like I need to do some redesigning since I've found out how horrible my site looks on Safari, Opera, and Firefox. bleh.


Love, Catherine

Labels: bereavement