3.31.2006 My Photography: Photography as a Voice updated

I've added 5 new images to the "photography as a voice" gallery. I need to get a macro lens. I'm obsessed with whatever is on the ground lately.

Labels: Photography

3.29.2006 Breaking News: Maybe I don't miss home as much as I thought

Tapei, Taiwan
March 29 2006

New evidence was found early Wednesday evening on March 29th that suggests that maybe I don't miss home as much as I thought I did. While walking home from work Wednesday evening on my normal route I discovered what appears to be a genuine Reese Peanut butter cup wrapper just outside my doorway. A top notch team of professional shoppers and shopping researches have been called in to investigate the case.



Could it be true? Could there actually be Reese peanut butter cups in Taipei city??? or is there someone out there trying to torture me with the possibility????

Labels: taipei, taiwan

3.23.2006 Taipei must-see: Guandu Temple

I consider Guandu Temple Taipei's hidden gem. In almost all my Taiwan/travel books Guandu gets 3 lines if it's mentioned at all. This leaves me sad and in awe. It has to be the most incredible temple I've seen to date. All you ever here is "Longshan, Longshan, Longshan". I know there is a lot of history behind Longshan and it is beautiful but it has nothing on Guandu.

How we found it
One day my old roommates and I decided to have a random exploring day. These are done by jumping on random modes of transportation and jumping off at stops we don't know. We decided to take the red MRT line up towards Danshui and jump off as soon as anything caught our eye. Our roommate Deb only had a few weeks left in Taiwan and she really wanted to grab some pictures of rice fields, and hopefully rice field workers. Somewhere around Zhongyi I think we jumped off when we saw some fields of some sort. We found a cute little temple but started melting from the heat (it was August I think).

We decided to hop in a cab and to ask the cabby to bring us to beer. So we hopped in a cab and said "pijo!". This of course totally stressed out our cab driver. He understood the request (because he laughed and made a drinking motion) but he started to ummm and ahhhh and scratch his head murmuring "pijo...mmm.... pijo....pffff... pijo". We decided to call our "Taiwan mom" Jane and get her to help out. She told the cabby just bring us somewhere, anywhere, doesn't have to be fancy... where we can drink beer.

Well our darling cab driver ended up taking us to this outdoor eatery across from Guandu temple. We got out and stared up at the temple in awe. I think we were so awed we actually forgot about the beer for awhile go to explore.

What we found
Guandu is massive. There are stairways going every which way leading to all kinds of ornate places. There are roofs upon roofs upon roofs filled with Taoist figures, buddhas, dragons, elephants (first temple I've seen in Taiwan with elephants), and about 100 other things I have yet to discover.

The find of all finds in Guandu was this tunnel we saw people dripping into. At the mouth of the tunnel is a really large round metal ball...with carved chinese in columns all around the metal ball. Above the writing there are coin slots. We stopped a nice couple to ask them about it. Each column represents something you'd like to have in the coming year. Many were related to wealth, and luck. Some to love and good health. We dropped a few coins in and continued.

The tunnel ended up being Loooooooooooooooong. On either side of us the whole way were various Taoist gods incased in the stone wall with protective glass in front of them. When we reached the top it opened up into a big round room that opened up into a big round balcony. Once in the room we turned around to see a huge buddha (we thought) at the time.

From the balcony we got the most amazing view of the river and bridge.

About Guandu (official info)



Guandu was built in 1661 as a dedication to Matzu the goddess of the sea. This is the oldest Matzu temple in northern Taiwan. Beside the temple (through the tunnel) is the Buddhist chapel dedicated to the Buddhist goddess of mercy, Guanyin of Thousand Arms and Eyes, this is the statue in-front of the balcony we thought was Buddha. According to legend, in 1895 three old banyan trees standing at the temple's entrance died suddenly during the same night; local residents believed that this might have been a message from Matzu warning of impending disaster. Soon afterwards the area was soon occupied by the Japanese.

The tunnel I spoke about is an 80 meter Buddha cave which is lined with 28 devas (gods).

I didn't take any pictures of the actual gods or devas out of respect. One of the first things I asked a Taiwanese person when I arrived is "what is disrespectful to photograph, specifically in temples". She told me that generally anything is ok but a god/goddess should never be photographed directly. They can be in a photograph but they should not be the primary point of focus. I hate to seem like an annoying tourist especially when I'm truly enjoying something and am so wrapped up in it like I was our first night there, so I kept my camera down. Maybe sometime I'll dress up as a dorky tourist and act the part to get some good shots if I'm feeling brave.

How to get there

If you like temples, this one has to be seen. It's about a 15 minute walk from the Guandu MRT stop. Our second time going we used the map on the wall inside the MRT station to find it. If you're feeling lazy or it's really hot:

By Bus: Take the public bus no. 223, 302, 308, Zhinan 2, Zhinan 5, and get off at Guandu stop.

By MRT: Take MRT on Danshui Line , get off at Guandu Station, then take a bus No.302 to Guandu Temple.

[Here] is a link to the MRT map of the area that shows the roads and Guandu temple if you'd rather walk (takes 10 - 15 minutes but is really easy to find).

Note: I've seen it spelled both "Kuantu and Guandu" the signs seem to be random so keep this in mind.

Tip:
Avoid the public bathrooms close to the eatery on the river front. It was an absolute disgusting nightmare. I opened 3 different stalls and saw 3 completely different nightmares that I won't go into but let's just say I was gagging for about a half an hour afterwards. I'm nearly gagging just writing this. If you really have to pee there are public bathrooms at the bottom of the temple (inside) that seem to be significantly less grotesque.

Google Earth

If you have Google Earth download this GuanduTemple.dmz I made to check out Guandu temple, Guandu MRT and surrounding area. [Click here] if you don't have google earth check out the general area on the google maps website.

My Photography - Guandu



I've created a "Guandu Temple" album in the "Taiwan" gallery. This is my Guandu photography, not snapshots :) These were mostly film shots and there are some I'm incredibly proud of. Please check them out! Click the image above (dragons) to be taken to the album.

Quick Links:
[Guandu Temple Photography] [GuanduTemple.dmz] [Guandu Temple google map - web]

Labels: Guanyin, Photography, taiwan, Taiwan day trips

3.21.2006 Photography updates

I've kind of been sitting on some stuff for awhile. Undecided what I wanted to do with it. Well I've gone through the pile again and decided to add some of this stuff to my photography section. Let me know what you think!

Labels: Photography

People who seriously rock my world Pt.2 - Raf the friend and designer

Well awhile back after I tore down all the coding I'd done for my asp based page and moved to using all this premade stuff like blogger and minigal I started whining about the design of my page.

I love to code. I'm totally a geek.... but design. Ugh it's painful. I'm so fussy and I'm not a good enough designer to accommodate my own fussiness. So Rafael picked up my cry for help left on my website at one point (see excessive whining... I can't believe the results I get with my whining). He asked me what I wanted. I said "Something sexy, simple, and functional". Then like a week later he pops out this current design based on a recent picture I'd taken. Just like that. 3 words and he gives me a design I'm drooling over. That's impressive. He even picked up on my current obsession with oranges and implemented it nicely.

Anyway after that he's put up with my fussiness and given me endless patience about all the little changes I wanted made here or there. Things taken out, things put in. And I have to say he's done a pretty good job. Don't you think????

All of the blood, sweat and tears (ok maybe I'm being dramatic) that went into this site were just a labour of friendship. That's right. I got this design free. Now how awesome is he?

Rafael was my travel buddy in Thailand and is now living as a volunteer in Thailand working for the Tsunami Volunteer Center. He's helping to build and repair houses for displaced Tsunami victims and other people in need. He's currently doing this without any financial funding from any organization so all of his expenses (like food and lodging) are coming out of his own pocket. If you'd like to do something really nice send Rafael a donation to support him in his volunteer work. He's also started writing a blog about his volunteer work which is updated when his net connection isn't being dodgy.

Thanks Rafael! You seriously rock!

Labels: relationships, Thailand

People who seriously rock my world Pt.1 - Meg the friend and roommate

Ok I have some big ass-kissery to do to a couple of people who rock my world, severely!

I like to act tough, probably tougher than I am most of the time... but what happens behind closed doors... I am a big baby when I have the flu. Only a few "fortunate" individuals get to see this. Like family, or roommates. I never had roommates before Taiwan so this is all new for me.

Taiwan has been giving my immune system a run for its money. Between having to deal with dozens and dozens of snotty nosed little germ machines on a daily basis and crazy weather shifts I've been taking a beating.

Come on Taiwan, let's have a talk. What's the problem? I understand the weather changes, but what is with going from like 13 degrees and raining to like 30 degrees and sunny and then rainy and in the teens again all in the same week? How is my body supposed to deal with that????? I thought the weather in my little hometown port city was insane. It has nothing on Taipei lately.





Anyway... I only whine and complain to those nearest and dearest to me. Sunday night in the middle of the night... or I guess very early Monday morning Meg and I were up in our loft. I was whining about how sick I was and how I want soup (insert a bunch of whining and "poor me"s here) "my mom makes the best chicken with rice soup"... "make me soup Meg"... "Meeeeeeeeg make me soooooooup" (which I said jokingly since it was like 2am)... anyway the nutcase disappears.... Meanwhile I call home to mom on Skype to whine about how sick I am and to hear her voice. About 20 minutes later Meg appears with a steaming bowl of homemade soup.

I'm not trying to promote whining, but wow. I told her "I wasn't serious you know!!" and she just shrugged and walked away :)

Now I'm not a vegitarian. It doesn't mean that I don't love the little animals, I'm just slightly in love with meat. I eat a very small fraction of the meat I ate in Canada... usually tuna every week and chicken here and there... but still not near vegitarian. But this soup!!! ohhhh this soup. Mom, you have some competition. Big hunks of ginger, onion, tomatoes, noodles, bay leaves, some kind of mystical vegitarian organic soup stock, and some mystery spices. I give it 1000 stars out of 100 and then like 1800 stars out of 100 after it sat for a day and all the flavours mixed together even more. Even though I'm heterosexual, shortly after tasting the soup I proposed marriage to Meg. She turned me down with a humble "no thanks".

I'm eating it as I write this. I think I'm drooling on my keyboard.

Do my friends rock or what?

ps - I have to say ginger is fantastic, anytime I'm sick at all now I get the big lecture from mom about putting ginger in tea or ginger in ginger ale :) (like 50 million times). She is the ginger spokesperson now. I don't know what the ginger people are paying her, but it must be good, because she's seriously pushing the ginger. My own mother, a ginger pusher. The pain a daughter must endure in her lifetime. I must admit Ginger is good. Nature's anti-nauseant. If she didn't read this site I would tell you that I was going to secretly tape-record the ginger lecture for your enjoyment but my chances of not getting caught are waaaaay to slim.

So few people realize how absolutely hilarious and adorable my mom is. I wish I could share with the world. 99.9% of the time she has no idea she's doing it, that's what makes it even better.

pss- Rafael you're next.

Labels: relationships, taiwan

3.20.2006 date-o-rama update

Well I've taken a bit of heat from some locals about what I wrote in the "history" section of my "dating-Taiwanese guys don't mess around" post since part of the post was featured on Micheal Turton's web blog. I'm quite honoured to be featured on his page. I pretty much read his teaching information page one hundred and fifty times before coming over here. Pretty cool!

I've updated the post with the following:

20/03/06:I have made generalizations here but like any generalizations there is truth to them. I love Taiwanese women. I have many many Taiwanese girl friends. It makes me shake my head when I hear them say things like "Oh, I've never had a foreign guy ask me out. I must not be beautiful".

I know some Taiwanese female/foreign male couples who have been happily married for many years. This isn't about them.

I'm sure even happily married Taiwanese female/foreign male couples know plenty of other couples together for the wrong reason. I hear male foreigners complain about it all the time. Most of them aren't gems themselves but that's my point. It's interesting that guys who wouldn't get a second look back home because of their aesthetics and/or their personality have no problem attracting doting females.

I'm not bitter about this at all, just fascinated. I've had foreign males, and local males both interested in me and I'm very happily in a relationship right now.

I'm sure if there was a country out there (and maybe there is) where foreign males were completely ignored by the local women while foreign women with less than stellar personalities and physical appearance were the hottest thing around that scientists worldwide would be flown in as well as a top-notch team of private investigators to find out what the scoop is! :-P

I write all this in good humour. I see a lot of beautiful foreign male/taiwanese female couples. It's just a topic I'm interested in so it gets written about here. Don't take anything I say too personally. I am a very open-minded, non-judgmental person

Labels: relationships, taiwan

settle an argument!

OK. Settle an argument. Look at both our arms. Who is more brown? Me: top/left or Han: bottom/right

Note to any skeptics (*cough Han*): This was even while we were still on the bus, even before I got darker later that day :-P

Labels: relationships

slow with the updates, and international schemes

I've been in a bit of a mental and emotional rut the past while so updates have been slow. Sorry. I'm working on it.

I'm also still really behind on e-mailing back so if you're not on MSN you probably haven't been hearing from me. SORRY.

Part of my whole idea about what I would accomplish while in Taiwan was to live "freely". By nature I'm a very goal oriented person. I have to have something I'm working towards and if I do, it consumes me. Usually this is a very positive thing but while I was being introspective during my planning stages for coming to Taiwan I made a decision. I decided to try to spend my time in Taiwan not working towards the next big step or the next big goal.... to just go with the current for a change and see where it leads me. Even accepting that it may take me off track.

I get very excited about my goals and I usually achieve everything I set out to do. I've been very fortunate but I work very hard to accomplish what I set out to do. This doesn't mean I'm not open to other opportunities. I put my education on hold to go to Bolivia for 6 months, one of the biggest and best decisions of my life.... but I worry now that I'm taking enough time to stop and smell the flowers.

It may be a common experience but I've found that I enjoy periods of my life more looking back on them then I did at the moment I was in them because I was so focused on one particular thing.... usually whatever big goal I was working on at the moment.

Well since I've been in Taiwan I've really struggled with this. I keep going into anxiety about what I should be doing, am I wasting time? what's next? what's next? what's next? Then with the unfortunate events of last year the river veered off onto a whole different path.

I think in writing here, and in sharing my little adventures I'm proving to myself that I am actually enjoying "the now". I'm doing stuff! It might not be important stuff but I'm doing stuff. Stuff that I have as much fun doing as remembering.

Now I want to add a layer onto that. I want to start working on some goals but take baby steps. The most important goals I have right now are: more international development work, seeing all of the world I can possibly see, and more education.

So I've decided to get back to work on my degree with a university back home (through distance learning), spend the summer volunteering in another country, and maybe start taking some Mandarin classes. I'd like to look for some volunteer work to add to my schedule here in Taiwan too but I need to figure out what my calendar is going to look like once I add some studying in.

I've been looking into more and more overseas summer volunteer options. My school is closing regular classes for the summer, which it didn't do last year... and will only be offering summer camp programs. I don't have to teach summer camp so I think I'm going to take advantage of the time and work on both the volunteering and traveling goal! I'm not exactly sure I'll be able to afford it yet but I have some fundraising ideas. Most of the positions I'm currently looking at are in Nepal. Nepal is on my top 5 must see before I die places. I've found various opportunities to teach orphans English and Computer, or to teach to poor kids in small communities. Another interesting opportunity is to teach English to refugee Buddhist monks from Tibet.

Having a few things in the works again has lifted me up quite a bit and I'm feeling on track again. I guess it's not so bad to have goals. I just can't let them consume me so much.

Labels: uncategorized

3.13.2006 chingrish or engrish: signage

What tomb raiders do when they retire?

Labels: Chingrish or Engrish

Only in Asia: C is for ..... not cookie?

for those curious 20NT is about 71 cents Canadian...you Americans are on your own! :)

Labels: Chingrish or Engrish

3.09.2006 Dating: Taiwanese guys don't mess around, date-o-rama

Well not to be the kind of girl to kiss and tell, or to boast and brag but I have to write about this.

The History

First some history. For those of you who don't know, I'm a white girl. I'm a very very brown white girl, but I'm a white girl.

Asia is called "single girl hell" for north American women. I became very interested in this when I got over here. The short story is, Asia is North American boy heaven. It's not very uncommon to see gorgeous Asian girls, dressed to the nines, hanging off the arm of a guy who wouldn't get a second glance even by the plainest Jane back home. They're kind of a commodity over here. Some girls like them because of the "status" it gives them, some girls like them because of the $$$, some girls want the way into North America, and no doubt some girls it's pure attraction and/or love... but probably less than the first few reasons.

I actually feel sorry for some of the guys. If you were looking for a deeper meaningful relationship I think you'd constantly be asking yourself "does she love me for me, or does she love me because of who she thinks I am/what I can give her?". And it's not that some of these guys don't deserve incredible women, I just wonder if they're getting the incredible women for the right reasons. But none of my business I guess.

Anyway, so as you can imagine most foreign guys (meaning non-Taiwanese) do not have a lot of interest in foreign (non-Taiwanese) women. Taiwanese male with white female relationships are even more rare. There are a lot of interesting theories about this, many can be read online. The common ones seem to be:

- the Taiwanese (or even Asian in general) male's perception of us ie that we're loud, easy, outspoken, and overly independent.)
- that Taiwanese males are just too shy.... this stems from lack of confidence in their ability to speak English and confidence issues created by the way they're portrayed in Western media.
- they're unattracted to our shapes. Our facial features, colouring and hair colour are great... even envied.... but what they're fed by their media is even more extreme than what we're fed back home I think. An "attractive" Asian woman (as per sensationalized by their media) is almost pre-pubescent in body shape. Skinny skinny skinny.

Well I like challenges, and not that it was a goal, but I'm very happy to have a very very fantastic boyfriend. Not only does he like me for me (mentally and physically) but he's confident and accepting. And patient, oh so patient! I get stared at a lot in Asia for being foreign but a white girl with an Taiwanese male draws A LOT of attention (even from other foreigners). I tease Han that we're rock stars.

20/03/06:I have made generalizations here but like any generalizations I feel there is truth to them. This is based on what I've heard first hand from people in this type of relationship and different conversation threads I've read.

I love Taiwanese women. I have many many Taiwanese girl friends. It makes me shake my head when I hear them say things like "Oh, I've never had a foreign guy ask me out. I must not be beautiful".

I know some Taiwanese female/foreign male couples who have been happily married for many years. This isn't about them.

I'm sure even happily married Taiwanese female/foreign male couples know plenty of other couples together for the wrong reason. I hear male foreigners complain about it all the time. Most of them aren't gems themselves but that's my point. It's interesting that guys who wouldn't get a second look back home because of their aesthetics and/or their personality have no problem attracting doting females.

I'm not bitter about this at all, just fascinated. I've had foreign males, and local males both interested in me and I'm very happily in a relationship right now.

I'm sure if there was a country out there (and maybe there is) where foreign males were completely ignored by the local women while foreign women with less than stellar personalities and physical appearance were the hottest thing around that scientists worldwide would be flown in as well as a top-notch team of private investigators to find out what the scoop is! :-P

I write all this in good humour. I see a lot of beautiful foreign male/taiwanese female couples. It's just a topic I'm interested in, and fascinated by... so it gets written about here. Don't take anything I say too personally. I am a very open-minded, non-judgmental person

Date-o-Rama

So I have to tell you about my date-o-rama. One of the things I most adore about this guy is the diverse amount of activities he's willing to partake in. From hiking, to shopping, to playing in an arcade, to exploring museums and art galleries. He's like the boyfriend I've been fantasizing about ever since highschool. A guy who likes to do stuff, and all kinds of it. And best of all he integrates really well with my friends.

So Saturday night I called him late in the evening. I haven't been seeing him much lately because I've been keeping busy and because I'm a bit weird like that (I don't like seeing someone *ALL* the time). This is worse I think because before him I'd been single for over 3 years. Anyway he knows I've been wanting to see the Confucian temple near where he lives so he told me to come up to his MRT (subway) stop and meet him. Once I got there we decided it was too late, and since I didn't have my camera it would be a wasted trip. So instead we went bowling! This was great except it was big ball bowling which I'm not that great at. Still fun though. Oh but before bowling he bought me this really sweet t-shirt. It's like the Taiwanese equivalent of "I heart NY"

Next we headed to this fun multilevel arcade place we'd been to once before. Han was telling me about these go karts. I didn't really think it'd be REAL go karts, especially not indoors. But alas, I was wrong. It was a full out go kart track, indoors. And the karts went FAST. We raced around like crazy, and Han made me run into a wall once, but I forgive him. After we played some table hockey, and that close range basketball shooting game.

But that's not all! :) After all those good times we headed to this 24/hour pool hall where Han has a membership. We ended up playing pool until like 3am. It was great. The only time I won was when he sunk the eight ball but hey I'm getting better.

This evening I actually went back for round two with Han and my roommate Meg.... sadly Meg and I didn't fair much better taking Han on than I did alone. We'll get him though!

So this weekend is supposed to involve some pottery making..... and soon he's talking about taking me to this place down south where you can pay to sleep in this tunnel in an aquarium where fish swim over and under and all around you. He definitely deserves an award for date ideas. The more indecisive I am the better the date seems to be so I think I'm just going to shut up entirely. Although I will make him do some hiking and climbing with me, and hopefully rafting in Hualien.

Labels: relationships, taiwan

3.07.2006 teaching: I'm not laughing at them, I'm laughing *with* them, except they don't know they're funny.

My evening class has an optional computer class that is only supposed to be used if the students are on schedule. They've been working really hard lately and are on schedule so I decided I'd create a few fun computer lessons that were educational but enjoyable as well.

The first was an internet scavenger hunt which they blew through quite quickly. The second excercise involved creating a movie with dflim. Dfilm allows you to easily create little flash movies. You pick the setting, the music, the characters and then write the dialogue.

In Grammar we've been studying modals (should, could, must, musn't, ought to, etc). The modals we're working on presently are for suggestions, and advice. "You should brush your teeth". So I asked the kids to create a dialouge where one character presented a problem and the second gave advice. Then I asked them to e-mail them to me when they finished.

After coming home from a long day (I had to do parent teacher today!!!) these made me laugh my butt off. Is that wrong? :)

They're just too good not to share. Shhhh don't tell them.

FYI, "LP" is slang boys here use for penis.

Movie One: Your title
Movie Two: BB Gun Shuter
Movie Three: Help (this one had Meg and I in tears, must be played with the sound on)
Movie Four: Cold (note the plagerism from Movie One)
Movie Five: The Escape
Movie Six: marry
Movie Seven: Rain
Movie Eight: Not your business

Labels: Chingrish or Engrish, ESL teaching

Only in Asia: potato chip flavours. TGI Friday's Caesar Salad

I think a country's potato chip flavour selection says a lot about it. Personally I'd kick a puppy if I could have just one bag of Miss Vicker's Jalapeño or Ruffles Sour Cream and Bacon. Oh wait, it's Amanda who kicks puppies... not me. Ok well I'd get Amanda to kick a puppy for a bag of either of those.

In Taiwan I've seen some crazy flavours and I've decided I need to start documenting them. From Cucumber to Seaweed.

I never thought I'd think anything could have a "strong cucumber flavour" ... not even cucumber, but somehow Lays accomplished it. They actually tasted more like cucumber skins than cucumber I think.

Anyway, I don't have a picture of them but I DO have a picture of TGI Friday's Caesar Salad flavour Lays. That's right, not just plain ol boring caesar salad flavoured chips (that's a joke) but TGI FRIDAY'S CAESAR SALAD!!!! I have a really great mental image in my head about how they taste tested the results...bite of chip, bite of salad, bite of chip, bite of salad.... hmmmm it's good, but I'm just not sure if its 'TGI Friday' good.



If I was to explain how they tasted....I'd say they taste like Sour Cream with the taste of those big fat fluffy onion ring chips they used to have when I was in a kid. Not sour cream and onion, but sour cream and onion ring.

And now here is the clever part. When you buy TGI Friday's Caesar Salad potato chips you also get a coupon for a *real* TGI Friday's Caesar Salad. Why you would want to though when you can have a bag of little crispy greasy salad chips is beyond me.

Labels: gastronomical adventures, Only in Asia, taiwan

confessions & fears

disclaimer: as the site is named - this is me, this is raw. this is not a cry for help. this is not an exposé or finger pointing session. this is not for attention. these are things I need to say but can't say. this place is my voice. no one is forced to come and read it or see it. this is my therapy, this is my outlet. public, yes but mine.

I chewed on a piece of glass tonight, not on purpose. It was in my food.

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and it makes me feel stupid.

I'm afraid I'm wasting time.

No place really feels like home anymore. There's something missing from any considerable place. I didn't know that one person could mean home.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to make a big life changing decision with confidence ever again because the "last vote" is now gone.

I'm afraid I'm addicted to chaos and I won't/wouldn't know what to do with normality if it ever found me.

I'm afraid to start things that I think I'll be horrible at, or that people will see I'm horrible at.

I feel like a big phony sometimes calling my pictures photographs since most of the best ones were by accident.

I feel smothered under the weight of peoples' expectations of me.

Sometimes I really believe that I don't deserve my friends.

I act tougher than I am.

I wear a plastic face in public so I don't have to see my hurt mirrored in other peoples' faces.

I feel guilty about grieving, and I feel guilty about not grieving.

Some of the "courage" people think I have, tell me I have, has just been me blindly running into a decision with my eyes and ears closed too afraid to look behind.

My self-value and self-worth were all based on what my father thought of me and I'm not sure I buy all of it anymore or where my value actually lies.

I'm angry with him that he was in too much fear and denial to give me one private hour alone when he was feeling well to talk seriously with me.

I'm angry and disappointed with misdirected sympathies and blind eyes.

I'm angry with things people know and pretend they don't, and things people don't know and pretend they do.

I want people to know the truth about everything that happened in my father's last months that has caused me so much anger I haven't grieved, or been able to but I don't want to be the one to tell it.

I'm angry by the questions people don't ask.

I'm afraid that people don't really understand or care that the most devastating thing that could ever happen to me in my whole entire life happened to me in 2005.

I'm afraid no one will ever understand me again with as much depth, and/or that people who don't will think that they do.

I'm afraid I don't even understand myself as much as he did.

I have abandonment issues and they're not unfounded.

I feel like he's abandoned me.

I don't trust people.

I have insomnia.

this is for cleansing. it is not a cry for help. Guess the glass thing was just an icebreaker.

Labels: bereavement

3.06.2006 Thailand: sand ball rolling crabs

Let's call them that for lack of a better term. I've tried to search the net using a variety of queries but having the keyword "ball" in there seems to bring up "other kinds" of results. Actually even more detailed queries including the words "sand" "balls" and "Thailand" still returned some interesting results. Ahhh amateur erotica. Moving on...

The beach near our resort was a "rock" beach but it was pretty cool because of the amount of shells and natural sea critters around.

One of the things we noticed immediately where these strange formations in the sand. Almost like sand crop circles!



They were everywhere and as we went to the beach at different times of the day the patterns seemed to grow and become more extreme. Most of the balls were teeny weeny little balls perfectly shaped. About half the size of a pea. in the middle of any pattern would be a small hole in the sand and a clear straight line through the patterns from it.



In some areas there were really bigger mishapen sand balls, really shoddy work. Near these were bigger holes in the sand.



Once I stood still for a bit I saw the whole thing come to life and all the crabs that I'd scared into their holes came out and started creeping around the designs.



The bigger the crab, the bigger the sand balls, and the more shoddy.



I amused myself for awhile by standing really super still and then making an exaggerated jerking motion just to watch them scurry back into their holes at lightning speed. I like to toy with nature.

And I have the video to prove it!

Can you let me know whether or not this video will play for you and what browser you're using? I'm still figuring out this streaming video stuff. Secondly, if anyone knows the actual scientific name for these little sand ball rolling guys I'd love to know. I'm sure I've seen a National Geographic documentary on them before.

Labels: Thailand, Video

3.04.2006 photos: urban jungle

my favourite photography subject, added to "photography as a voice". If I get busy enough it should have it's own gallery eventually. Let me know what you think.

Labels: Photography

3.03.2006 Only in Asia: "Teacher why are you so black?!"

For winter break in Thailand I spent most of my time belly up in the sun, lying in the Andaman sea, or belly down staring at the fish... when not chasing them. Snorkeling was actually really amazing. It was like swimming in an aquarium. I can't believe how many fish I got to see and how close I could get to them. I even had a school of fish following me around for awhile. Apparently though waving at a fish is shark language for "I'm going to eat you". :(

I'm getting off topic.

Because I was in Thailand, because it is HOT in Thailand, because I was half-naked in Thailand (in a bikini) the whole week I got a LOT of sun. I've never been the type to burn. I'm one of *those* people. I get more and more and more and more tanned but never burn.

Well I don't know if my luck has run out or if it was bad Karma but baby did I burn! A very fun experience. Especially the part where my skin started falling off. Yuck.

Anyway... when the initial trauma was over I ended up with a really nice dark tan.

In Asia, white is beautiful. It is fashionable to have the whitest skin possible, especially on a slender Asian frame (they don't admire our curvy bodies). Natural coloured hair is coming back in style thanks to the Asian movie boom and stars like Ziyi Zhang but brown hair is still preferable to black. Blonde has gone out. There are a plethora of skin whitening products. Creams, masks, etc. Even names we would recognize from back home like Garnier and Nivea.



In the summer on a bright sunny day the streets are filled with umbrellas, and people riding their motor scooters with leg-warmers on their arms.

My co-teacher once told me "we say here that no matter what you look like, if you are very white you beautiful, but no matter how beautiful you are... if you're brown you're ugly".

Needless to say when I walked back into classes on Monday my students were traumatized. "Teacher what happened?!?!" and my favourite "Teacher why are you so black!?!". Now I know my older students, and co-teachers know what "black" means but its their perception. I'm not brown now, I'm BLACK.

The students I tutor looked at me with concern in their eyes, "Teacher will your skin change back?! Will it be the same again?!". It's like I have a horrible deformity now...and I was pretty brown to begin with.

It's humourous and disturbing but I guess we're just as guilty. Cooking ourselves in tanning beds, dying our skin orange, etc.

South America was the same but at the time I didn't notice the "skin whitening" industry.

Really interesting. I am happy to say I have the one Taiwanese guy who thinks dark skin is sexy. Oh and he likes my curves too :D

Labels: Chingrish or Engrish, ESL teaching, Only in Asia, taiwan

Only in Asia: contact lens case

I have a confession. I'm a sucker for packaging. I've always been. The whole don't judge a book by it's cover thing...(sigh)... it doesn't work for me. I've actually bought books I knew I would hate just because I wanted to own the cover. That's why even though I pirate music from my favourite artists I still go out and buy their albums. I want the whole thing, the whole package.

If it's cute, or funky, or doesn't make sense, or looks like no one else will have it... I want it! I *must* own it. I think I own at least 100 diaries that I've bought by now just because I was mesmerized by the covers and/or the paper inside. Do they have writing in them? possibly... do they have diary entries in them? ha!

As you can imagine, Asia is paradise for me. I am definitely doing better with my shopoholicism but put me in the wrong store and I'm a maniac.

"The green store" down the road is just such a place. I went in to buy a mattress and came out with a mattress, some funky pens, a contact lens case, a makeup sorting box, and some bookmarks. I nearly grabbed a funky pin from the cashier counter but here is where I showed restraint.... until a few weeks later when I went back to buy some conditioner and came out with conditioner, more pens, and the pin I'd eyed the first time.

Anyway I thought I would share the contact lens kit I bought. It was a very very very tough decision. I was faced with a wall full of contact lens cases. Not that I really needed any of them, but I wanted at least 4 or 5 of them badly. I finally narrowed it down to two. This one and the one with skulls and crossbones all over. I decided that this one was actually the more unique of the two.



This is the cover, on the front is a spring loaded door. Why does it say "I love milk"? Why not?! Why is it blue and sparkly? because! This is Asia, and in Asia... things must be cute. It is the law of the land.



Inside it contains the contact lens case (of course) which reminds me again about my love of milk. Even if it does make my tummy hurt. The other things you see inside are a pair of tweezers (I assume for taking your contact lenses out of the contact lens case and unto your finger which I just normally use to scoop them out anyway? I don't get it. But again. I'm in Asia. I guess one of the things that annoys Taiwanese about ex-pats is our lack of "common sense". I'm guessing this is "Taiwanese common sense". It is my goal to learn more about this. It amuses me. I've always considered myself someone with a strong sense of common sense but I find here I lack it somehow. I feel like a bit of a dummy quite frequently.

The two white tube-y thingies are I guess for contact solution but I have found no way humanly possible to fill them that doesn't involve spilling 10x the amount of saline they would hold onto the floor. Again, this may be a common sense issue.



I get the feeling that if I was an enterprising young girl I could sell some of this stuff I'm finding on eBay for four or five times what I'm paying. The question is, why am I so lazy?

Labels: Only in Asia

3.02.2006 My Photography: Xianjiyan

I've posted a new album in my "photography as a voice" gallery. I debated for a good while whether it should go in this album or whether it belongs in the "Taiwan" album. The whole intent of the evening was creative and explorational. Based on that and the results I think the photos ended up where they belong.

Saturday night (Feb 25th) Meg and I packed up our tripods, cameras, a couple of sandwiches, and tea... well we forgot the tea... and headed to Jingmei. We used to live in Jingmei in a tall highrise on the 9th floor (a very cool place to experience big earthquakes). We had big picture windows in the apartment that faced the Xianjiyan mountain.... I'm not sure if that's the name of the mountain or just the temple on top of it. At night the whole temple is lit up... you can see the red lanterns glowing. We always intended to find a way up that mountain but never got to it.

Well Saturday we felt very motivated. And these pictures are the results. Can I mention how much I love Meg? Not only did she wait for me as I stopped every 2 feet to take 15 pictures of some random thing that interested me but we also sat on top of the mountain, in the middle of the night, on a big rock at the highest point..... staring down at the city below..... eating our sandwiches. Not having to say anything but being perfectly content. I feel a little sorry for people who can't enjoy those kinds of experiences... people who only feel stimulated by corporate subsidized entertainment. bright lights, loud noises, party party party. That's all good, but it's not enough.

I'm a very lucky girl to have a friend who understands this stuff. I'd give anything to spend an evening with mom in the car with a Tim Horton's coffee.... staring at the ocean... talking about everything and nothing but you know what? Sitting on top of the world in Asia with a friend and a sandwich is pretty good substitute.

Labels: Photography, Taiwan day trips

3.01.2006 updates, updates, updates

I've done some updates tonight.

I stumbled across some more digital Cuba pictures I took that I liked and added them to the Cuba album. Unfortunately my best Cuba shots were done on film and are in a storage locker way back home in Saint John.

Some of my Thailand pictures (one of my favourites too!) ended up in the root of my photography section instead of in the Thailand album. Those have been moved now and are where they should be.

I've added the picture of the pig intestine soup to accompany my old post "Ma, nevermind turkey! Pass those intestines (a.k.a Christmas Day in Taiwan)"

Some more photography will be going up soon in my photography section and the new site design should be up by next week. yaaa!

Labels: uncategorized