© 2006 Catherine. All rights reserved.

3 months and a bit = paranoia and a dash of grief

I’m sorry dear readers but this is another downer post. I need to vent.

It’s a bit past a day after the 3rd month of my dad’s passing…. this one is a bit difficult on many levels.
This month has marked some extreme change for me. I’m more social than I’ve ever been in my entire life…. which is definitely good but it has put my identity in question, I have a boy in my life now, and I’m at a level of independence never experienced in my entire life.

But paranoia and a bit of pain sinks in……… the paranoia……as few of you may know when I received news of my father’s fate I was in Taiwan…… when I received news that he’d pass and that I needed to go home ASAP I was about 2 days away from a vacation to Thailand.

Now I’m back in Taiwan, working, and heading towards Chinese New Year and I’m a week and a bit away from a vacation to Thailand. I wish I could say I’m dancing around my room in joy at my upcoming vacation but I’m feeling uneasy and suspicious. What will happen this time?

Last time I was days away from Thailand I about to receive the most tragic news of my life.

I’d give anything… and I mean anything… to erase the trauma of the past 3 years. Daddies….. realize, once your a dad… your life isn’t just yours, no matter the conflict between you and your “baby’s mama”, or you and your baby……. you’re welded to that life. As much as you’d like to think after ### amount of screwing up you don’t influence that life anymore… you do. It’s unbreakable…. it’s not warranted but the love between a girl and her dad goes to a depth beyond anything you read about in a book or see on the tv.

I know that isn’t the case in every father/daughter relationship but it takes a whole lot more work to break that bond than it does to create it. Nothing can easily cancel it out. I’m one of the few lucky lives to have had such a strong bond with a father that I doubt i’ll ever have a love in my life that’ll understand or accept me as much as he did. I’m not sure if having the type of love I had from my father was a blessing or a curse. It’s set some incredibly high standards.

I truly lost my biggest fan and my foundation. I truly lost an extension of myself or visa vera. It’s not perverse. Leave if you think that, I don’t need you here.

I never realized how much my father’s enthusiasm caused enthusiasm about my own life. Now I find myself questioning why? I truly have lost interest…. lost interest in myself, in all this. I feel bored. I feel boring. I know I’m living quite exceptionally but I’m in a rut. It took so much work to get myself to Taiwan and I always thought it would feel like such an incredible accomplishment but it really doesn’t. That’s a little disappointing. There’s really next to nothing that makes me excited about the future. I feel a bit jaded wondering “why?”. I wish I could get excited about whatever is coming next but I just dread all the paths I have to walk alone without my dad.

He constantly made me push my own limits…. his “wows”, his “ooooos” and “ahhhhhs”, his endless questions and interest in whatever I was doing…it can’t be replaced. Everything I did with him in mind, everything I did hoping to make him proud. He made me proud of me, he made me excited about my own life.

It’s strange… but Han (my man) has opened me to feeling again. I’ve never denied how numb I’ve been since the summer of 2005 or how I’ve distanced myself from my emotions but I never thought that feeling, just plainly feeling…. would open to me everything else. I’ve been standing on top of a mountain looking down at all my emotions belown and now I’m skydiving towards them. All the positive,exciting,loving feelings I’ve felt towards Han have opened up the flood gates. Now I’m having to deal with everything. All the grief, the anger, the reality is slapping me in the face with no forgiveness.

What I would give to be able to erase the past 3 years and live in that time in an infinite loop. I hate that the past 3 years, especially when they’re the last of my
father’s life have to be filled with so much pain and disappointment. Out of respect I’m gagged and bound from going into that much detail………… but let’s just say you should never judge anyone.

We have no clue what the day to day of anyone is. We have no idea what people have to go home to and to answer to once they leave the sphere that we consider our world, our reality. We all act, we all put on a facade of some sort, we all pretend we live normal lives, with normal families, with normal disfunctions….. it’s cute, it’s edgy, we admire each other’s strength, but God forbid you have some pain that can’t be wisked away by playful banter or by spending sprees or that isn’t parodied by everyone’s favourite nighttime dramas.

I don’t know where it comes from but I think a lot of us get off on thinking we have everyone in our day to day figured out, but the truth is we know nothing. If you think you know what anyone of what your fellow 9 – 5ers go home to at the end of the day …….. you’re disillusioned, or maybe just hypnotized by what you’re fed by the tv.

My point is that we should never judge…. We just don’t know. We all need to get down off our high horses, be patient, accepting and kind. We don’t know each other’s true fears, phobias, traumas, or abuse suffered… we all hide it. We take little responsiblity about how much impact what we say or do fhas on each other, how much damage we can do. What scars we can cause.

When did kindness loose it’s esteem? When did being patient, forgiving, and kind become so uncool? Why do we have to let “cool” people and emotional vampires stop us from being there for each other?

The amount of people who have wronged me beyond all forgiveness occupy less than half the fingers on one hand… and that would be after constant attempts I have had
to cement something with them… but then again who’s to say that’s not my own disfunction? I’m not self-righteous. I’m so far from perfect its laughable…. but I hope my opinions and thoughts count for something.

I don’t want life to be predictable but I wish I could have some sort of foundation again….. I know I’m probably years or less away from my sister’s passing, my sweet angel…. and then what? I wish I could be more graceful accepting all that’s been put on my plate but I’ve already had to deal with a hell of a lot for a 25 year old and I’m pretty annoyed by it…. and really tired. I never asked to be put into these shoes. I wouldn’t be less grateful for what I have achieved without all this pain and complication…… so why me?

I believe my point has been made. I’m annoyed. frustrated. feel like swearing, screaming and kicking things….. feel like tearing big bloody chunks out of the people who have wronged me, wronged me in these horrible times without so much as an acknowledgment.

I’m ok, really. I have some things to iron out but I’ll be using my camera again soon as a voice. I hope I still have all those ears out there to listen.

I love you all for the support, I love you all for checking in on me. Please forgive me if I’m too raw or abrasive. I really need to embrace it and voice it when I have the guts to.

Dad, surprisingly, always encouraged that. He always wanted me to have a voice and to use it, even if he didn’t always agree with it or agree with the style of how I used it. That’s what made him such a great friend.

I can’t say there are a whole lot of people who know Catherine but I have to say there are a whole lot of people who try and I really adore you.

Thank you for listening.

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  1. By oops – I’m a’ight, honest 20 Feb ’11 at 8:23 pm

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