© 2005 Catherine. All rights reserved.

time persists and nakedness.

Today is the 2 month mark of my dad’s passing and I’m feeling really raw about it.
This is probably one of the worst nights yet.
It has nothing to do with Christmas, the holidays, or any of that fluff.
It’s just time.

Before I was terrified of loosing time. Not of aging. I just hated seeing time go by.
I’ve always felt I have so much to do, so much I want to accomplish.
So many places to go. So little time.
Now time kind of feels like an enemy. I think of all of it that I have left.
I think of how many days I have to face ahead without my best friend and my biggest fan.
Without the one person in the world who has always understood me best and unconditionally loved me.

When I had anxiety about my future through my father’s last months I was constantly reminded about how young I am.
How much time I have. How whatever is happening right now won’t affect my future for long.
But that’s just it. I do have time. Too much time.
It pisses me off.

Not that I’m anything like suicidal or want to die or anything remotely close to it.
I have a lot of things left to do and I’ll do them.
I still have all the love in the world, it’ll just never be the same.
I just don’t get why this?

I’ve suffered a lot of criticism, including criticism from loved ones about the pedestal my father had me on and how detrimental it is and would be to me as an adult, as an independent female.
My ability to be self-sufficient has been called into question and my ability to fend for myself.

You know what? I’m living my life the way I want to live it.
I’m doing exactly what I want to do.
I’ve sacrificed a lot to get myself where I am right now and basically I’ve made it to where I want to be.

I may have been spoiled. I may have been a princess. Maybe I could do no wrong.
but I am here and I am a strong.

If none of this had happened in 5 weeks time he’d be coming on a plane to come visit me.
I wish I could live through that experience at least. Him experiencing my strange little world.
His endless questions and amazement. 20 rolls of film taken in 2 weeks. Constant “wows” and astonished laughter.
I just want one last dialogue with him.
I just want that one last heart to heart that we never got to have because he thought I was the last person in the world who needed it.

He will never be replaced.

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